Ask Big Daddy Satan

Big Daddy Satan is here to guide you. Your grievances will be heard. Your questions will be answered.
Submit!

(Really, If you have anything to ask do so here. An anonymous submission will be answered anonymously, and posted publicly, on this site. A private conversation can be requested if you provide your email, or if you want to remain really anonymous, request a private post with a key-code. Big Daddy strives to provide a safe space for all sorts.

Sincerely,

The Temple Servant

SORROW

Dear Big Daddy Satan

I’m coming out of a hellish divorce, and have chosen a different lifestyle which is true to my genuine self. One of my children just decided based upon misinformation and prejudice, that my lifestyle choice is disgusting and will no longer speak to me. I’ve lived my life appeasing people, letting my ex-husband mistreat me to keep the peace, accepting condemnation from my family for who I am, always bowing my head and accepting shame, guilt and sorrow.  I’m a little different, but not so far out that I scare people, or cause harm. My ‘difference’ runs in the family, and I suspect my child is going to face similar choices in adulthood.

My heart is broken. I’m ashamed of my child. I tried to teach tolerance, and acceptance.  I’m afraid that this prejudice and condemnation will be put upon others who are different, different religions, different races, different identities or preferences.

What do I do? I can’t imagine going backwards because society says sacrifice all for your children, I can’t return to being discarded as worthless, thought of as invisible and condemned.

Respectfully, “Sorrow”

 

Dear Sorrow

In many places in the world parents are expected to sacrifice their identity and happiness for their children. This is neither fair for parents nor a good example for children. Most parents want to encourage their children to be themselves, and want to support some level of acceptance. There are exceptions of course, those parents who specifically demand their children grow up with embedded prejudices and who demand compliance to roles that restrict identity formation, but in general most parents want happy children who are authentically themselves.

When a parent lives with oppression, prejudice and judgment directed at their own identity, especially when a relationship permits mistreatment of one partner by the other (by the way this is called abuse), that parent lives a lie and demonstrates to children that it is ok to be harmed and to give up one’s self. This does not sound like what you intended for your child.

Although it is hard and may go against the social rules, I am going to suggest it is better for your child to see you embrace who you are and live your life happily and freely. Your child chooses to look at you with disgust today, and this may be a side effect of puberty, or a product of a hostile divorce with imbalances of power, again… abuse. This may change as your child grows, and wrestles with their own differences, recognizes relational abuse or simply sits with their feelings and works it out.

Bottom line Sorrow is that you may teach by example, even if you teach from a distance. Be who you are. Live well and freely. Be brave. Hold your head up.

Don’t ever bow your head in shame again.

This world collects prejudices. Homophobia. Transphobia. Racial prejudice. Religious prejudice. Prejudice against sexual practices, against relationship choices, against the choice to eat meat or not eat meat. People LOVE prejudice and judgement. It’s a design flaw.

If you can, do not perpetuate it.

And this sacrifice yourself for your kids thing? Its bullshit. Many parents make sacrifices for their kids wellbeing, but sacrificing who you are provides no succor, no food, no safety for your kids. It just hurts you, and demonstrates that it’s ok to hurt each other.

Keep your head up Sorrow. Pride is not evil, it simply threatens the status quo.

BDS

The Joys of Being Butthurt

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It always amuses me to watch people get Butthurt. It’s not a new thing, people have been offended, triggered, bent outta shape, had their shit kicked up, bothered, questioned and challenged for years. Butthurt encompasses all that, with a big dose of intolerance and entitlement. Prepping for a flame war now? Did I hurt your feeling? Feeling all entitled? Wanna ban me?

Remember the House Rules here kiddies.

So, I’m seeing, hearing, and reading about Butthurt— that entitlement and intolerance that is so popular, and it is everywhere! College campuses especially catch my amused attention. An individual says something that someone takes offense to and suddenly there is a dedicated effort to silence, censure, punish or fire the individual who spoke. In a house of education!
Do you live in a country that allows free speech? How about public gatherings? Intelligent discourse? Do you allow yourself to mis-speak on occasion? Or have unpopular opinions? Maybe you think about things differently?
So then, why the dedicated Butthurt behavior?

It certainly seems to me that the delicate sensibilities of varied individuals are being used to control and cause harm. Accusations of bullying, micro aggressions, racism, homophobia, religious oppression seem to be the popular cover-ups for having your shit kicked up, being triggered and becoming reactive.

Once upon a time being triggered was cause for self examination, reactivity-cause for taking a step back, grounding and engaging in dialogue. Once upon a time, the idea that you spoke to another individual and asked for an explanation and clarification was considered both intelligent and self respectful behavior. Most of your rule books speak about forgiveness as well, which includes forgiving the errors of others.

Yes, there are hostile, cruel people in the world who will hate you for your beliefs, behaviors, and choices. They will go out of their way to demean you. They will offend, bully, sneer and degrade you. These people- have at ’em! Shred them! Battle ignorance! If you can do it from a powerful and kind stance, even better.

Most people who piss you off are not this. Most people who you think mis-speak just don’t talk like you, or have random episodes of talking faster than their brains. They have no intent to harm you. They are not intolerant, evil, attacking you and so on. Your reactivity becomes the epicenter of the problem and perpetuates more reactivity. You co-create unsafe space for yourself, others, and most of all for intelligent discussion which may lead to education, camaraderie, acceptance, and illumination for all who are brave enough to participate.

About being Butthurt towards most people who simply don’t quake in fear at offending you—

Grow up. Examine yourself first. You do not have special dispensation to have hurt feeling, nor do you have special entitlement to seek to harm others. Most people can get along with most other people if they give others half a chance and don’t do the Butthurt dance at any and all differences.

The difference between being triggered and being Butthurt is in you. It’s the choice to be brave, engage in discussion and grow vs beat the shit out of someone else because you feel special and entitled to be protected from concepts that offend you.

Remember, you all forgive your friends. Extend that courtesy to others as well.

Otherwise, my doors are always open. In hell you don’t get to choose who you are set beside. I do.
See you soon…

“Friendly” Therapists….

There’s a certain level of false advertising that is pervasive in the therapeutic community.
It’s focused on the use of the term “friendly” or “aware”. Like LGBTQ friendly. Kink/Poly aware.
It’s what therapists use to advertise that they consider themselves to be appropriate for particular group of people. Like trans people, or kink people.
What does it mean?

Not a damn thing. It is supposed to imply a level of acceptance, education and support for a marginalized or other identified minority group. In reality, it has become an advertising slogan that some therapists use when they want clients they think will interest them, give them peer status, make them extra money or let them get their therapist rocks off playing power games working with others in areas of identity and sexuality.

Remember. This is not a sexuality and identity friendly society.
You have to visit me for that.

It is not a guarantee of community affiliation, personal experience, dedicated education or anything else. They may have taken a class, read a book, watched a movie or looked in the mirror and said to themselves, ‘I have a gay friend, so I’m LGBTQ friendly.’

This does not mean that everyone who uses the term “aware” or “friendly” is not, it means you need as a client to dig a little deeper. Ask your therapist if they are a member of the community they are claiming to serve. Ask them what sort of specific training they have received to become knowledgeable about the community they claim that they are aware of, or friendly with. If your therapist brushes you off with a “What does that mean to you?” stock phrase, or that they read an article somewhere, or similar answers… If you have other options, explore those options!

Why? Because there are still a lot of therapists out there, both old and brand new, who still have attitude and judgementalisim about matters dealing with sex, sexual preference, sexual choice and behavior, identity, gender identity, and those who hear and march to a different drummer. Do you need that? No! When seeking support, the last thing you need is some therapist, or provider of any kind, using you to work out their own issues, or using you to educate themselves.

It gets old educating providers enough so they can hear, understand, and respect you.

Therapists, if you are butt-hurt and offended by this, grow up and examine your reaction. If you are really clear that you are well educated, have experience with, or have a deep drive to know, accept and support these communities, then find a way to actually have a conversation with clients that affirms this. If you are a member of ‘the community’ figure out how to appropriately disclose that in a way that both keeps your privacy safe and lets your client know you have real life experience. Yah, yah, you all are told never disclose. Be a blank slate. Wake up! These are small communities. Would you rather determine your interactive boundaries now, or when you get outed later?

Here’s my disclosure. Yes, I am a member of the kink community. Duh! Yes, I am a member of the LGBTQ community. Again, duh! Yes, I am a member of the Provider community. This is not a life changing disclosure for a client. Nor for me.

And yes, my doors are always open.

On Camel Toe and Female Spawn

Humans have Spawn.

Call them what you call them, house apes, rug rats, larvae, kids, or precious little angels- whatever. Spawn. At some point someone’s parts fit in someone else’s parts and they thought it was a good idea to reproduce. So you wound up with crying, barfing, crapping little bundles of tender baby meat. It happens.
Now you are noticing that the ‘Pube Fairy is hanging around with all the impending drama. Yes, welcome to impending puberty with body hair, boobs, beards, sex, sex ed and the never ending drama of hormonally challenged baby humans.
Or hey, your forever-ever-best-lover just walked– leaving you with a family of five screaming 2 to 12 year-olds and you have to explain why beans over Top Ramen is gourmet cooking and why daddy is hanging out with someone only a few years older than your oldest.
Or LOL, you accidentally got one of mine. It was born with horns and follows in the fine tradition of public displays of beast like behavior.
You wanted ‘em. Here’s where you get to ask me about them.

Dear Big Daddy Satan,

My 8 year old daughter just showed me short-shorts that show off every nook and cranny of her developing body. Her dad says they are ‘too short’ and leaves it up to me to handle it. She is begging me, and saying all the other girls wear them and ‘Please, Mommy, Please’ can I fix them in some way that passes dad’s inspection so she can show them off at school. I’d rather throw them out, but she will scream and pout until one of us caves. What should I do?

Signed,
A Worried Mum

I have no objection to the female form being lightly coated in form fitting latex, it works for me. But that being said, it sounds like you are facing the challenges of pre-teen clueless sexual fashion exploration. I’m guessing the child has serious camel toe and ass cheek hanging out there and it sends a signal you hope she NEVER sends.
Welcome to parent-child fashion warfare. Don’t rely on the school dress code, she’ll pack them in her backpack and change in and out of them, as needed, to skirt the watchful (yeah, like ‘authorities’ are watching LOL) eyes of whoever is in charge of determining who wears what.

Here’s some parental warfare tips:

Make ‘em TIGHTER. I mean PAINFULLY, can’t get them on, can’t walk tight!
Are they cotton or mostly cotton? Stick them in a pot of water on the stove and BOIL them. It shrinks the cotton fibers. Dry them on HOT. Hey, it works for me when I want a new pair of cruising jeans. Offer to get them to pass inspection by sewing lace around the bottoms. Now be smart here, you DON’T sew on some sexy black stretch lace. Sew on something thick, stiff, and ruffled. Let her help pick the lace out and encourage her to pick solid stuff so ‘dad will say ok’ or whatever carrot on a stick you need, so it sounds like HER IDEA.
The goal here is to make them so uncomfortable, embarrassing and ugly that she puts them on once and throws them in the laundry never to mention them again. Zipper shaving and seam burn are VERY EDUCATIONAL.
Then work on finding clothes that are cute, current, fit her personality and pass inspection, whatever that means to BOTH OF YOU. Giving a kid a little choice goes a long way.One day of camel toe is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.
Just make sure that one day— is a LONG day.
Think about it. Kids don’t know what signals they send, or even what those signals ‘mean’. They exist in their own little bubble of peers, internet, fashion and hormonal angst. You want them to grow up safe enough to be a realistically decent human. You cannot protect them the way you hope to. You cannot win all battles. You do not and did not feel what they feel, think what they think, or deal with what they have to deal with.
Pick your battles. Teen fashions are part of how teens communicate to each other, connect with particular peer groups and check out who is like them and who is not like them. Make sure your kid has safe ways to communicate to you or other trusted mentors for when they go through the ‘hate mommy and daddy’ stage. Take a big grown up breath and ask yourself ‘is this behavior causing real harm?’ If it’s just offending your delicate sensibilities, examine your perceptions and work a little harder on getting to know you teen as he or she is changing. If it’s really making your teen unsafe, figure out who to talk to, what to ask and how to take an action that significantly improves your child’s safety.
And in case it comes up, no, it’s not a good idea to get that rubbery stuff that you coat tool handles in from the hardware store and paint your boy-shorts with it to make ‘latex’ shorts. That’s what activates the zombie virus. Bad idea.

Big Daddy Satan
/^(o.o)^\

House Rules

Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Dante, gotta love him, he had the right idea with that phrase.

You will be offended.

I am not politically correct. I can promise I will eventually offend you, kick up your shit, use words you don’t like and otherwise cause you upset and offense. I don’t care. Feel free to go away. Eventually you’ll be back, either here or in person. That’s one of the great things about my home, its open every day of the year and everyone is welcome and you guys have so many damn rules eventually every one of you will break one and wind up sitting in my lap.
Here are the site rules. There will be adult topics and adult conversations. I answer questions. These questions may well have references to penises, vaginas, masturbation, sex toys, different and alternative communities that you do not understand and maybe really want to, beliefs you do not agree with, religions other than the one you have and so on. So if you are under 18 and your parents are going to give me shit about you being on my site, get off. I’ve been around long enough to know those ‘click if you are over 18’ buttons don’t have built in radar that checks your age, so I know some of you are under age. I personally don’t have a problem with under age kids, but I do have a problem with your parents giving me shit about your behavior. So behave and be smart.
Adults: I answer questions that are interesting, relevant and well thought out. Don’t crap on other people. I don’t want to debate whose religion is right or wrong, what politics are right or wrong or what minority offend you. I like life. I like hell. In hell everybody gets along or I torture them. Easy. So bite your tongue when a post offends you or a question kicks your ass. This site is so you can get yourself educated about things you might not have the guts or the person or safety to ask in the face to face world.

Big Daddy Speaks

Dear Big Daddy Satan,

Why can’t people live and let live? I thought our world was going to be a safer place where people would see past each other’s differences. I thought we were going in that direction…. now I fear we are dividing ourselves into “us” and “them” categories. I try not to do that myself, but sometimes i cant help it. It feels protective to steer clear of guys in big trucks with too many pro military stickers and or a dixie flag. When does this fear, or caution, become “us” and “them” thinking? I dont want to add to the hate, but i also dont want to be naive and unsafe feeling.

Eternally Yours,
Blue Sun

___________________________

Dear Blue Sun,

Living in fear of ‘the other’ is a curse humans carry, passed on down from the trees and savannas where the first people lived. It’s built into human genes.
In our current life, we carry that fear and transfer it onto anyone unknown and especially those who we think are different from us.

It becomes ‘us vs them’ the minute you cower inside facing the unknown, the mystery of who another person is without the wisdom to recognize they are people, just as complex as you are.

Pay attention, who we think are different we fear. Fear dehumanizes the other. Dehumanized people become “them”.

Fear triggers protective responses, we think of self-defense, home defense, family defense. We act in ways that telegraph to others that we think they are bad, evil, harmful or unsafe. They feel that and react back badly toward us.

So round and round it goes, creating polarization and division between people who are essentially the same, with the same needs, drives, hopes, fears and loves. The differences are tiny in compared to what is similar. Belief, preference, life style, background are nothing in comparison to greater similarities.

Blood cells, bone and breath have no politics, religion, preference or affiliations. You are made of these cells, and all of you share the same pattern of life.

So why can’t people live and let live? They are afraid to stop, think, ask and get to know each other.

What can you do to not pass on the hate yet be wise enough to protect yourself from the already living breathing hate of another?

Blue Sun, there is no easy answer. You can not know the mind and heart of another by what they look like, or what their accessories imply. Nor what they believe or whom they pray to. Nor who they love, or what they eat, or who they look to for leadership.

You can check yourself, and every time you feel fear ask yourself “Am I afraid of this person here right now or am I afraid of an idea, or what this person represents to me.”

If you fear an idea, educate yourself. What does that Dixie flag that scares you mean to you? What do military stickers mean to you? And… Are you certain they mean the same thing to that unnamed person you fear?

You can choose to not react from fear unless the moment demands it.
By the moment demands it I mean you are in clear danger from another person or group of persons targeting you.

If you are in danger, leave if you can. If you are hated, and feel unsafe, leave peacefully and go somewhere safe. If you can, understand those who hate you are driven by the same things you are, the fear gifted to them as monkeys in the trees. Try not to,hate other humans for their flaws, but recognize you carry the same flaws they do.

The only way you guys are going to get along and live and let live is if each of you, individually, one by one practice doing that every day of your life.

This means you.

Peace
Big Daddy Satan